MY HEADDD HURTS AND MY NOSEY IS RUNNY I DONT FEEL GOOD okay thank you readers for listening. *blows schnoz with vigor*
Yesterday evening/today I had an amazing time with Prince Harry, and I was forced to challenge all of the preconceived notions I used to have about falling in love.
To be honest, even though I wanted love, I haven't believed in it in the longest time. I didn't think in this day in age that it could be possible for me to find it. Between porn, a hook-up culture, and home-wrecking hooker and a half's just in general, I didn't think that a man could ever truly love a woman anymore. I thought that women would ultimately and inevitably face a one-way, heartbreaking street when it came to falling in love. Truth: I love Prince Harry from the bottom of my heart… and I've never been so afraid to lose someone.
Now, usually, I feel like it's so much easier to look for problems, to dissect and inspect and overanalyze to the point of murdering a relationship than giving it the chance to let it blossom. Because if you give it the chance to let it blossom, and it winds up failing, then I would feel awful, and out of control. But then again, so much of love is like a trust fall, really. You close your eyes and blindly fall back into the other persons arms, knowing that even though you can't see the person, they're right there to catch you when you fall. But I digress…
Every time I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in love (pshh, like that's even possible… <3), I panic. There's nothing scarier than giving your heart to a person because they have the ability to honestly crush your heart and leave you broken into tiny shattered pieces (hopefully of granite rather than laminate tile; hey, what can I say!? I'm a classy lady!! ;) ) It's terrifying to hand somebody your heart and pray that they won't destroy it. I'm terrified of all the little demon-esque what-if's… There, I admit it - I'm terrified of being abandoned. I'm terrified of being rejected by him because there's somebody he deems is "better". This worry stems from something I was told by that abusive ex-boyfriend the day we broke up: that I would die alone, and that no one could ever love a person like me. Now, although I know to some extent that he was just lashing out, it really punched me in the gut - no one could ever love a person like me?
When I tell Prince Harry that I love him and he tells me that he loves me too, sometimes I remember "no one could ever love a person like me" and it kills me inside because for the first time in my life, I've met somebody (Prince Harry) that I would feel utterly destroyed if he couldn't truly love me, or if he loved me for just now but would fall out of love with me in the long run. If it doesn't work out, I'll go be a monk and make jam for the rest of ever. Which is cool, because raspberry is my absolute fave. *handflip* But no!! It's not cool, because Prince Harry wouldn't be there beside me sticking his fingers in my jam and telling me (in a sassy, obviously joking and sarcastic way) that I should add way more seeds to it. Nobody likes seeds!!!!!! It is the rarest thing in the world to find a boyfriend who is also your best friend, and I feel so blessed to have somebody as loving and caring as him to be mine.
I firmly believe that you must share all of yourself with a person, because it is far better to (potentially) be rejected for who you are than a facade/image/tip of the iceberg that you create of yourself. I've stuck to this moral code with Prince Harry, and he still loves me. regardless. Each day I become more trusting, more accepting, in our relationship. I need to stop pushing away the one I want closest, in fear of ultimately being the one who winds up getting pushed away.
I think this also applies to my friendships, recently. When I feel like there's a possibility of getting rejected, I poop out first. I pull back, retreat, hide. All I want is to be loved, and the thought of being disregarded, cast aside, an option, a second choice, as I have been many a time in the past both in friendship and romantic relationships, terrifies me to no end.
However, I think I now have a lot of wisdom and insight. My worrying about Prince Harry will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep just waiting to feel rejected by him. I need to understand that, he's not going to unless I cause it to happen somehow and that he doesn't ever want to, reject me. To understand that love isn't about fearing rejection, it's about trusting that you will never have to face it. And when it comes to friends, it's about enjoying the experiences you have with each other, and living in the moment; whether you will remain friends throughout the years is -in most cases- purely circumstantial, although effort is obviously needed.
I'm feeling much more secure about it all now, and I'm so in love with life and what it will have in store for me!!
Until Next Time,
Slaving away reading a nonfiction book on global warming, a novella written in Italian, five short stories in a literary anthology edited by my English professor - I can honestly say this work is a labor of love. I feel the panic setting in, though; I didn't have time to do The Vagina Monologues nor Relexion (a spoken word/poetry performance group). I'd like to partake in both of those activities next year, because I decided that studying abroad doesn't really make sense for me. Ideally, I'd like to have the Creative Writing concentration next to my English major, which means that I have to take I believe four additional classes. Then after Conn, I'd like to get my Master's in Creative Writing at the University of Miami in Florida, and then head back up north to Boston University to get my Ph.D. in English Lit (focusing on the modern novel). It relaxes me so to have a game plan. Although I'm a lady who loves surprises and spontaneity, I love feeling stable, secure, and comfortable. Even though I think rocking the boat once in a while is necessary for a fulfilling life, sometimes it's nice just to have a goal and work towards making it happen.
But...I'm tired of everyone judging me for only taking 3 classes this semester instead of the typical 4. My classes are HARD. My Theory/Practice of Lit. Study class is pretty intense - first we read a novel or short story. Then we read the work of multiple literary critics and their published criticisms (whether in essays or books of their own) about those original works, and then finally we form our own criticisms based off both the original text and those of the critics. Talk about complexity! *brushes sweat off of forehead* Italian was pretty difficult too, because the professor has a thick accent and talks quite quickly in comparison to my professor from last semester who I loved to death. I want to take his Dante class in the fall, without a doubt; it's gonna be legit amazing. His classes in general seem to be pretty life-changing (not an exaggeration at all). I know I just need to spend the time studying/reading for all of these (I already told you about my American Earth class!) but it's hard between socializing, having "me" time, and seeing Prince Harry. I'm concerned that I keep pushing the "me time" by the wayside, because it's so easy to spend all of my free time either in the library or with the people you love. But I need a little time for meditation, for reading books just for fun and magazines, for drawing (a major passion of mine that I've haven't indulged in for far too long), for playing violin. I'm seeing Prince Harry in about an hour and a half, so maybe I'll practice violin for him so I can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I think that I need to make a more well-defined schedule where I'll have a certain amount of "me" time everyday (and no, writing this blog doesn't count! I'm talking more relaxation, rather than analyzation of my thoughts and feelings - something that can be actually pretty opposite of relaxing haha!)
However…this blog definitely gives me some balance. Journals are really private, and I think it's nice to share my thoughts with whoever cares to read this. That somewhere out there, people can relate to what I'm saying, or people can question what I'm saying and not understand where I'm coming from at all and therefore expand their mind to new possibilities and/or ways of thinking about things. I love hearing other people's viewpoints on the world -- even if they're infuriating to me, as can happen quite frequently being a bit more Libertarian than, well, anyone on this campus-- because it makes me challenge notions that I accept as Ultimate Truths and paradigms. Question the archetypes. Question everything you've ever been told. Question, question, question. I'm seriously considering taking philosophy next semester, rather than religion, to fulfill my requirement. I think I'd really like it, especially because it'll give me more material to share with you all!
Until Next Time,
Sometimes all of the white noise around us makes us deaf to what's truly important. You can't hear what your mind and body are actually trying to tell you because of all of this other stuff that's simply just getting in the way. So how can we filter out the unimportant chatter, you may ask? By getting in touch with your inner self. Making sure to schedule in enough "me" time is probably one of the nicest things you can do for yourself. Although I'm an extravert by nature, I definitely need periods of recharging time. (My personality is ENFP, what's yours!?)
Here are some of my favorite ways to relax and get away from my ordinarily hectic, on-the-go lifestyle:
Read a good book
Listen to upbeat or relaxing music (the former for the early morning, the latter for nighttime)
Go to the gym without worrying about the judgement of others about your body/the way you look
Practice an instrument
Clean or reorganize your room
Go for a walk at a leisurely pace, the kind where you analyze the trees, the grass, and everything in between
Write a letter to someone telling them how much you appreciate them
Talk to somebody who you haven't spoken to a while and genuinely miss talking to
And last (but not certainly not least)… give yourself a MANI/PEDI !!! *implied handflip*
Now that I've done all of the above, I can honestly say that I'm feeling so much better than I have in a while (which, I must admit, I had never hit such an all-time low since probably high school. And we all know how incredibly rough high school can be…Luckily Prince Harry was there for me and didn't abandon me during my time of mental pooping-out. He is so incredibly caring, and I'm so so thankful that I know I can count on him when times get tough). I am so burnt out from last semester, working so hard to get straight As except in Chemistry, which we can pretend just never happened okayalrightthanksverygood……. This semester, however, I am taking 12 credits instead of 17 which should be a major stress-reliever!!
Yesterday I had my first class, American Earth, which is half English class/half Environmental Studies and although the course load is on the more rigorous side, it's definitely one that I do not regret signing up for. Today was a snow day, so my other two classes (the second semester of Elementary Italian and Theory/Practice of Literary Study) were cancelled, but from what I've heard the professors are supposedly amazing. Consider me excited!! I'll be sure to let you know how they go.
Until Next Time,
First off - my apologies to any devotees of this blog for having taken seven days off. All I can say, really, is oops. I've been doing a ton of soul-searching which has been taking up most of my free time, but I think it'll pay off in this post. What I have to say in this is probably the most important thing I will ever blog about…!
We can only do so much. We can only try so hard. Ultimately if we aren't doing things to please ourselves, if all of our actions are on behalf of someone we want to approve of us -- parents, coaches, friends, that hot baseball player -- we wind up pleasing nobody at all. We feel like no matter how hard we try, we're trapped. We feel like our best could never be good enough, and that makes us miserable.
Today was the day I decided to make the change. No more Pre-Law for this lady! I've decided to devote my life to studying the thing I'm most passionate about: English literature/language/creative writing. There's no point in creating a life for yourself that's never going to make you feel satisfied, rewarded, or whole. I had enough courage (although let us be honest -- to say it was difficult would be a major understatement…) to realize that I was doing the pre-law track for all of the wrong reasons, and stood up for my own interests. Never have I felt so at peace with myself nor so intensely proud of myself. And I think it's the start of many good things to come. By being honest with myself about what I am and am not looking to get out of life, I am able to dig a little deeper and discover guts (the metaphorical kind, lawlzz) that I never knew I had.
I hope that all of you out of there reading this feel inspired enough to stick up for your own passions, and make the changes you need to in order to make your dreams and life goals turn into a radiant reality. So take a big deep breath, and get out there and make things happen!
Until next time,
Today I finished reading The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (woohoo!! *victory dance*), and I can honestly say that it will undoubtedly change my life forever. Perhaps the most meaningful lines in the entire book are found in Chapter 27 "In the Garden":
"At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done - then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago. One of the new things people began to find out in the last century was that thoughts - just mere thoughts - are as powerful as electric batteries - as good for one as sunlight is, or as bad for one as poison. To let a sad thought or a bad one get into your mind is as dangerous as letting a scarlet fever germ get into your body. If you let it stay there after it has got in you may never get over it as long as you live. …Much more surprising things can happen to any one who, when a disagreeable or discouraged thought comes into his mind, just has the sense to remember in time and push it out by putting in an agreeable determinedly courageous one. Two things cannot be in one place." (p 214-15)
I realized at this point in the reading that no longer was I ever going to self-imprison myself with my thoughts, that have been eating my soul alive since the fall of 2012. It's a heart-wrenching thing, to be in an abusive relationship, but for the first time in a long time, I realize that I'm worthy of being loved. Not partially, not conditionally, not with other people on the side, but me and only me. I felt frustrated for months seeing other people in happy relationships where there was trust abound. Neither member of the couple ever craned their neck to see where their mate was looking (or more importantly, who their mate was looking at) because there was that innate trust that I had lost the ability to have in a person forever… or so I thought. Sometimes you meet all the wrong people. You meet the ones who doubt you, who push you aside, who treat you as an option, or what's worse as a second choice. You meet the ones who disregard your thoughts and feelings, your worth as a human being, the love you have to give. And then out of the blue, when you've pretty much given up hope on humanity/society as a whole, you meet a person who blows your mind. Someone who proves to you that when you're out in public, if they look at another woman, it's not in lust, it's simply because he was just watching everyone walking by: men, children, mothers cooing to their beloved babies in carriages. Someone who proves to you that they would love you and would be attracted to you even if you gained twenty pounds because its you. Someone you could cry to or laugh with about the silly things, the important things, and everything in between. Someone who even if they hurt you accidentally with their jokes or comments, you know loves you regardless and never truly would want to cause you pain (emotional or otherwise). Someone you can trust to love you back.
Having trust in someone is probably the #1 most difficult thing for me to do, not gonna lie. Giving them your heart and praying that they don't break it is the most vulnerable thing in the world, while simultaneously being the singlehanded most freeing thing. But I read once that fear makes people change. Personally, I'd say that fear is just a form of pain in suspension, so I think that pain makes people change. I've been in pain for far too long, and I'm ready to change. To stop analyzing every comment, and to just take it at face value; if I don't understand, ask without inferring nor accusing anything other than what is actually said. To stop looking for potential moments where a glance could be at another woman other than myself, and then decide if the glance was merely just looking around or in lust. I'm ready to stop making myself saddened and weakened. I know that it will take time, that over time I can be able to train myself to replace thoughts of worry with thoughts of bliss and contentedness. I'm ready to enjoy all the joys of the current amazing relationship that I'm in, and enjoy going to public places without that seemingly uncontrollable panicky, burning feeling of worry in my gut. Because when you meet someone you're not willing to give up on, you have to make healthy choices (such as leaving past experiences of disloyalty and infidelity in the past) that will allow your relationship to blossom without fear of abandonment, loss, or rejection - kind of like the way the roses and tulips grow in The Secret Garden. Nourishment and love is all that it takes to bring a flower, a vine, a human being back to life. And I'm ready to live a full life free of worry, jealousy or fear once again, the way I used to just a few years back. Like a garden, you can't choke love and expect it to thrive. It must mature naturally. You can make promises about the future but you never truly will know, will you? Will the two of you grow together, or apart? Will you find that as life carries on you aren't the same people you once were, and now you no longer mesh the way you once upon a time did back at the original roots of the relationship? You can hope and dream and wish and pray for something to happen, and ultimately, if it is meant to be, it will be. The future is fun to imagine about, but promises create pressure, and pressure creates fear. Fear creates pain, and pain causes people to change. That's why it's important to focus on what's happening right now, to live in the moment right now. And everything else will fall into place exactly the way that it should. <3
Additionally, The Secret Garden gave me hope that my knees will heal from their patellar tracking disorder and patellar tendonitis. I need to be determined and stay on track (pun intended) with them, and never get fed up, frustrated, or give up on myself if my tendonitis acts up on me again. I need to deal with the fact that healing my knees is more important than wearing cute shoes and just wear sneakers with my outfits (Hell-oooo, I have the rest of my life for cute heels and fancier feet !!) My mom who has been too weak from her cancer treatments to get out of bed recently found the strength tonight to walk into my room. She offered me a smile, and we listened to a really great song together on YouTube (White Lies by Max Frost; the music video is posted below!!) and get this: she even was able to dance. Not big, loud movements, but a little wiggle of the fingers here and there, a little shake of the hips. And we nodded our heads to the rhythm, and we laughed. If she can find bodily strength in her time of ailment, than surely so can I! Like mother, like daughter. This theme, of helping each other overcome illness and finding inner strength that neither of you knew you had, was prevalent in The Secret Garden.
I think it's truly an amazing thing when the book you're currently reading/just finished applies to your life in so many ways, more than you could have ever imagined. Although I will have to work on letting the past go (and therefore my worrying about infidelity, even though there's clearly no need to worry about that), I realize now that I'm worthy of being loved - unconditionally, and without any other women as a third-party, even if only for a moment - and not to settle for anything less than that, because that is how I am able to love in return. And my knees and my mother are both progressing in the right direction, even if there are a few blips in the screen here and there. And I believe these examples are all perfect portrayals of the concept from the book of "Magic".
Until next time,
The past two days have been an emotional whirlwind of wonderful, heartbreaking, and everything in between. This is probably going to wind up being a rather long post, but I've got a lot to say! The bottom line is: sometimes it seems as though I know exactly where I'm headed with my life, and at others I'm so, so incredibly lost. And I need to come to terms with this, and honestly, truly accept it.
Along with this, I'm involved in so many organizations in my college that I'm super passionate about, but I need to make sure that I will have enough "me" time as well (not to mention writing this blog!), which includes ample time for mani/pedis, reading for pleasure (including magazines!!) rather than just for classes, catching up on episodes of my favorite television shows, going to the gym followed by a half hour shower, have major gurl talk with friends, and spending time with my amazing/fantabulous *handflip*/wonderful boyfriend who I will refer to as Prince Harry (because he is truly Prince Charming minus the red rose and white stallion, and his name is Harry --like the English royalty? No way, mine's Scottish ;) ).
I snuggled up in my bed with a lukewarm mug of make-it-at-home Starbucks Peppermint Hot Cocoa and thought about what I really want to do with my life. Am I going to be a musician for my profession? Probz not… but in no way should I stop playing the violin or guitar (or PINK UKELELE, THE MOST AMAZING BDAY PRESENT EVER BESTOWED UPON ME BY PRINCE HARRY <3333333344) . The truth is, I'm passionate about so many things that I feel frustrated when trying to figure out a way to incorporate everything that I love into my life without giving up sleep, a social life, or good grades. Like that silly yet incredibly accurate pie chart on the interwebz, it really does seem like a lady can only have two out of the three of those aforementioned luxuries at any one given time. Do I want to give up my fashion blogging column for my school? NO. Am I willing to resign from my position of Content Manager for my college's chapter of HerCampus? NO. Something's got to give… but what?
I outlined a brief schedule plugging in my classes so I can see where my free time will be for studying, gymming it up, blogging (for both this blog and the fashion blog for my college), coming up with content ideas, leading Pre-Law Club meetings, selling my Chloe and Isabel jewelry, practicing music, and my favorite -- having fun with friends and Prince Harry. Not to mention time to meditate, something I tried my freshman fall/winter and LOVED! But it got too tricky once I moved into a quad room to find Ultimate Solace, and I kind of abandoned it since. It's definitely something I want to try again, preferably during the middle of the day. I think I can make it all work, though, which is a great thing. As long as I can train my brain to focus on one thing at a time, and get into a rhythm of staying on track, doing the work, getting it done, checking it off of my to-do list, and moving on to the next task, there shouldn't be a problem!
The thought of heading back to school, though, and this break ending is *mildly* heartbreaking. I love never feeling the pressure of TIME or THE CLOCK (all capital letters for a reason, friends!…eek!!) I love being there for my family and my dog, and I hate thinking about how Prince Harry and I won't be able to see each other as much as we can now (seeing each other all day for three days in a row!? Truly Heaven on Earth <3). I was pretty emotional with him today, and in his typical adorable way, he comforted me. I am so lucky to have a person like him in my life, and I wish that everyone will find someone in their life who is so fantastically supportive and caring as he is; I really do.
Some days I wish I were already done with college and off living life as a lawyer? College professor? Fashion writer/blogger? Best-selling author? Author. My dream profession. The unknown scares me; what will I actually wind up doing? What if I would have been better off with a different job? What if, what if, what if. I've been trying to keep my anxiety in check and just let the path of life take me wherever it may lead instead, but it's proven preeeeeeeetty difficult for me to do thus far. It's a work in progress, though.
Whenever I watch House Hunters, especially when the couple is looking for a house somewhere in the South like Virginia or North Carolina or South Carolina or Florida, I dream about my own future. I'd love to just start a life with a family somewhere warmer already, where you get to live at least 3/4 of a full life (aka you can be outdoors sans frostbite rather than being forced into hibernation mode) than up here in the snowy Northeast. Between interior decorating tips on Pinterest and reading Elegant Homes magazine, I'm so completely ready to head on out of here. But first… college. Getting a degree is mandatory for me, simply because it's in accordance with my system of morals and values to do so.
I will always have dreams of helping to do research to find a cure for cancer, of being an engineer who builds major bridges in major cities, of being an astronomy professor and discussing the complexities of black holes & dark/anti-matter. But deep, deep, deep down I know that if reading and writing aren't involved, the job is not for me. I know, I know -- I have "so much time" to decide. But for a lady like me, I need to have some vision, some clear path of where it is that I'm headed. And for now? This path is law school.
Until next time,
Ta-daaa! Today is my 20th birthday, and I will never have to be a teenager as long as I live. *applauds self for having survived the heinous jungle that is high school/freshman year of college* The first semester of sophomore year of college that I just completed wasn't too rough except let us be honest -- Chemistry? Yikes… I got my grades yesterday, and luckily I received two As, one A-, and I plead the fifth when it comes to Chem. But something I realized is that although my perfectionist self would usually get upset about that gnarly mark, I was actually incredibly proud of myself. Which I think says a lot about how far I've come over the years in the realm of self-acceptance. I tried the best that I could, and you know what? That's simply all I could ever ask for from myself.
In my teenage years, I've learned:how to say no, how to say yes and surprise myself completely, how to forgive,(more importantly) how to forget, how to encourage friends to seek the help they need, how to make others smile in times when I could barely smile myself, how to express myself with greater clarity and eloquence, how to stick up for myself and causes that I truly believe in, and how to allow myself to fall in love with a full and open heart.
Two highly significant aspects that came up time and time again were the concepts of trust and faith.
In others, in myself, in the way the world seems to self-regulate. By believing people innocent unless otherwise proven guilty, I can rest easy knowing that I have a support system to fall back on, which is so important!! In the past, I've had some serious trust issues -- for good reason -- but I'm coming to accept that I don't want to live the life of a bitter, scorned, and overall cynical lady. I need to feel that burning sense of vulnerability and knock down those barriers I've put up for far too long. The most rewarding friendships and relationships are those where it's a two-way street of openness, and I can see that I have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, or risk missing out on some truly meaningful connections, the ones that make life rich and rewarding in a myriad of ways.
Not necessarily religious, but also in other people, as well as my own potential/abilities!! Throughout high school, I always was crushed when a teacher wouldn't believe in me. I let their notion of superiority and their unwarranted level of conceit bully me into feeling like I could never be the star student I was just a few months ago back in junior high school and earlier. Because they didn't believe in me, I found it hard to believe in myself. When I came to college, I was happy to see that although some professors were a bit condescending in their nature towards their students, most actually wanted us to succeed! Wow, what a change in environment. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't learning just for tests. I wasn't learning just to beat a certain percentile of other test takers. I was learning...for me. Rather than assume everyone is just waiting for me to fail, I can see now that there are people in my life who actually want to see me do great things, and more importantly, believe that I can!