There's so much on my plate right now that's been haunting my dreams to the point where I wake up about 2-4 times on any given night in a cold sweat: illness in the family, the impending doom of finals, the breakup from about three weeks ago, the huge random acne on my chin that everyone keeps staring at/and or shouting "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE????", the struggz-city of balancing friend-time versus me-time, having to take medical leave from my Hollister job, back pain, knee pain, anxiety about all of these things… the list could really go on and on… but that's when I realized: There's no need to numb yourself to these things!! The only thing worse than acknowledging these things is to pretend they don't exist or that they don't bother you. The best way to combat a hurting heart is to admit things. To admit that, yeah, it really frickin' HURTS to see your mother undergoing radiation for cancer, going to a certain frozen yogurt place with a friend or looking out the window of a classroom and seeing a monument at a nearby state park can make your heart ache from old memories you had at those places with an ex, that when people say mean things about your acne it brings you back to how bad you were bullied as a pre-teen about your looks, that when you have two final papers and a final exam it brings you back to the days of boarding school when no matter how many hours you put into writing a paper the teacher would always tell you why both you and your paper were not satisfactory for the honors-level class next year (ahem…. tell that to my English professors here who give me A's on the regular!!! ~~thank you very little~~), etc.
But instead of focusing on how much it hurts, it's so important to focus on all of the easy, little things that makes life beautiful. Take a picture of pretty tulips decorating your lawn or college campus or office building. Smile at the janitor taking out the trash, because let us be honest, that leftover take-out from two weeks ago you threw in there smells pretty….ermm, robust, if you will…hahahha! :p Play with your hair. Sing in the morning when you wake up. Pray to a higher power in the shower. Write down 10 happy/positive things that happened that day every night before you go to sleep. In a post back in February, I believe, I wrote a list of many ways to be happy… I'm definitely going to re-consult that list, and I hope you do, too! Spring has finally, finally sprung and it's time to appreciate the beauty in all of the little things and count our blessings rather than obsess over and entirely focus on the sorrow of what is less than decent in our lives, the things that could make us cry and cry and cry.
I honestly think now is the time to focus on my old New Year's Resolution on loving both myself and the world around me unconditionally. I am going to clean my dorm room, clean my closets, clean myself spiritually/mentally/emotionally/physically and scrub, scrub, scrub away all of the hurts and haunts with the exfoliating powers that only self-love can bring! Reading, music, being outside, polishing my nails, hugging my doggy when I come home to visit from college - these are some of my favorite things and now that I'm finally ready to admit to myself that I'm in a place where I need to just slowwww dowwwwwwn for a while and be extra gentle than usual, and caring and loving and kind to both myself and the environment around me, and little by little I will feel begin to feel better again, except this time I won't be numbing myself to some underlying pain. This time, the bliss will not be ignorant! This time... the joy will be real. <3
Until Next Time,