To be honest, even though I wanted love, I haven't believed in it in the longest time. I didn't think in this day in age that it could be possible for me to find it. Between porn, a hook-up culture, and home-wrecking hooker and a half's just in general, I didn't think that a man could ever truly love a woman anymore. I thought that women would ultimately and inevitably face a one-way, heartbreaking street when it came to falling in love. Truth: I love Prince Harry from the bottom of my heart… and I've never been so afraid to lose someone.
Now, usually, I feel like it's so much easier to look for problems, to dissect and inspect and overanalyze to the point of murdering a relationship than giving it the chance to let it blossom. Because if you give it the chance to let it blossom, and it winds up failing, then I would feel awful, and out of control. But then again, so much of love is like a trust fall, really. You close your eyes and blindly fall back into the other persons arms, knowing that even though you can't see the person, they're right there to catch you when you fall. But I digress…
Every time I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in love (pshh, like that's even possible… <3), I panic. There's nothing scarier than giving your heart to a person because they have the ability to honestly crush your heart and leave you broken into tiny shattered pieces (hopefully of granite rather than laminate tile; hey, what can I say!? I'm a classy lady!! ;) ) It's terrifying to hand somebody your heart and pray that they won't destroy it. I'm terrified of all the little demon-esque what-if's… There, I admit it - I'm terrified of being abandoned. I'm terrified of being rejected by him because there's somebody he deems is "better". This worry stems from something I was told by that abusive ex-boyfriend the day we broke up: that I would die alone, and that no one could ever love a person like me. Now, although I know to some extent that he was just lashing out, it really punched me in the gut - no one could ever love a person like me?
When I tell Prince Harry that I love him and he tells me that he loves me too, sometimes I remember "no one could ever love a person like me" and it kills me inside because for the first time in my life, I've met somebody (Prince Harry) that I would feel utterly destroyed if he couldn't truly love me, or if he loved me for just now but would fall out of love with me in the long run. If it doesn't work out, I'll go be a monk and make jam for the rest of ever. Which is cool, because raspberry is my absolute fave. *handflip* But no!! It's not cool, because Prince Harry wouldn't be there beside me sticking his fingers in my jam and telling me (in a sassy, obviously joking and sarcastic way) that I should add way more seeds to it. Nobody likes seeds!!!!!! It is the rarest thing in the world to find a boyfriend who is also your best friend, and I feel so blessed to have somebody as loving and caring as him to be mine.
I firmly believe that you must share all of yourself with a person, because it is far better to (potentially) be rejected for who you are than a facade/image/tip of the iceberg that you create of yourself. I've stuck to this moral code with Prince Harry, and he still loves me. regardless. Each day I become more trusting, more accepting, in our relationship. I need to stop pushing away the one I want closest, in fear of ultimately being the one who winds up getting pushed away.
I think this also applies to my friendships, recently. When I feel like there's a possibility of getting rejected, I poop out first. I pull back, retreat, hide. All I want is to be loved, and the thought of being disregarded, cast aside, an option, a second choice, as I have been many a time in the past both in friendship and romantic relationships, terrifies me to no end.
However, I think I now have a lot of wisdom and insight. My worrying about Prince Harry will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep just waiting to feel rejected by him. I need to understand that, he's not going to unless I cause it to happen somehow and that he doesn't ever want to, reject me. To understand that love isn't about fearing rejection, it's about trusting that you will never have to face it. And when it comes to friends, it's about enjoying the experiences you have with each other, and living in the moment; whether you will remain friends throughout the years is -in most cases- purely circumstantial, although effort is obviously needed.
I'm feeling much more secure about it all now, and I'm so in love with life and what it will have in store for me!!
Until Next Time,