Well a good friend of mine (the latter definition, I assure you. no convenience.) helped me realize that I shouldn't change anything about myself unless I, me, myself, personally want to. He told me what a dangerous thing it is when perceptions are warped and you can't tell whether you're doing something as a "screw you" to others or if you're doing something because that's what you truly want. I've realized I have to throw away what the media encourages from me, throw away any negative comments and looks, throw away any thoughts of my own that makes me feel less than perfect. Because we all deserve to love ourselves, and feel that we are perfect with all of our imperfections. Now, I always thought loving yourself was synonymous with being a pompous ass. Oh, how wrong was I ! Loving yourself and viewing yourself in a positive light is how we should all live - without any notions of superiority. We are all human beings and we are all beautiful in our own unique ways. Maybe one person has a really beautiful skin tone or really long eyelashes or very toned calf muscles - but these things do not make yourself any less beautiful. Although what's inside is most important, our first impressions are always based upon first glances. Your appearance is supposed to tell the story of your soul, although it usually does not, in fact. I wear sweatpants to my morning classes because I'm sleepy and cold, but I'm a high heels girl all the way. I love strutting around and feeling in control and on top of the world. Heels make me feel like a lady on a mission!! But I don't wear them because of my sports injury. Judging people based on something so volatile and superficial such as looks is a very very wrong act even though we all do it on occasion, some more than others.
I love the way I look with very black volume/curling mascara and burgundy lipstick. I want to grow my hair long and dip-dye it light turquoise with some caramel highlights framing my face (but I want the caramel part to look natural!). I love wearing bows in my hair, and jeans that are ripped. I love wearing my red plaid shiny Doc Marten boots that don't really match anything at all except black or navy shirts and jeans. I love growing my nails out until they accidentally start to break and then I cut them really short again. I love eating baked potatoes and raspberries and CHOCOLATE. ALL OF THE CHOCOLATE. That's just who I am. I love food and baking and I like having a healthy relationship with it. Eat the good stuff, eat the other stuff in moderation. I will never be tan. I will never be super skinny. I am 5'5 and weight 125 pounds. I am a size 4 in jeans and I will never be a size 0. Even though my ribs pop out when I lie down, my tummy will be soft,not rippling with muscles. And I'm glad, because I wouldn't want it any other way. I have no idea what color my eyes are and neither does anybody else because they're always changing depending on what color clothing I'm wearing. I love listening to EDM music and I'm a sucker for Top 40 Hits and indie/electronic pop. I will sing in the shower, and I will only eat the red color Sour Patch Kids out of the bag because the other colors taste uber lame. The bigger the sunglasses, the better. My dorm room will always have "too much" pink in it, because pink is the best color there is. I will always be a vegetarian and err on the side of being protein-deficient. I will always love watching ice hockey on tv and I will always freak out when I have to go in an elevator (even though I grew up for seven years in an apartment in New York…go figure). I will always want to take sexual activity slowly and not rush into things. I will always want to read the book rather than watch the movie. I will always hate doing my own manicure/pedicure even though once I finish them I'm so happy that I did (!!!). I want to have a lusty affair with a box of Godiva chocolates. Vodka will always be my alcohol of choice, although I made the decision this previous October to no longer drink and I've faithfully honored my decision since. I will always hate breast cancer for what it did to my mother and grandmother, and I will always want to eat dessert before the actual meal itself. I will always be terrified of horses and their huge menacing eyes and how they smell like poo even though I wish I was really into riding them. And this is me. Who I am. My true, naked self.
From now on, if anyone makes me feel badly about myself or inferior for any reason, I know how to respond - by knowing that it does not mean a thing.
Until Next Time,