"At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done - then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago. One of the new things people began to find out in the last century was that thoughts - just mere thoughts - are as powerful as electric batteries - as good for one as sunlight is, or as bad for one as poison. To let a sad thought or a bad one get into your mind is as dangerous as letting a scarlet fever germ get into your body. If you let it stay there after it has got in you may never get over it as long as you live. …Much more surprising things can happen to any one who, when a disagreeable or discouraged thought comes into his mind, just has the sense to remember in time and push it out by putting in an agreeable determinedly courageous one. Two things cannot be in one place." (p 214-15)
I realized at this point in the reading that no longer was I ever going to self-imprison myself with my thoughts, that have been eating my soul alive since the fall of 2012. It's a heart-wrenching thing, to be in an abusive relationship, but for the first time in a long time, I realize that I'm worthy of being loved. Not partially, not conditionally, not with other people on the side, but me and only me. I felt frustrated for months seeing other people in happy relationships where there was trust abound. Neither member of the couple ever craned their neck to see where their mate was looking (or more importantly, who their mate was looking at) because there was that innate trust that I had lost the ability to have in a person forever… or so I thought. Sometimes you meet all the wrong people. You meet the ones who doubt you, who push you aside, who treat you as an option, or what's worse as a second choice. You meet the ones who disregard your thoughts and feelings, your worth as a human being, the love you have to give. And then out of the blue, when you've pretty much given up hope on humanity/society as a whole, you meet a person who blows your mind. Someone who proves to you that when you're out in public, if they look at another woman, it's not in lust, it's simply because he was just watching everyone walking by: men, children, mothers cooing to their beloved babies in carriages. Someone who proves to you that they would love you and would be attracted to you even if you gained twenty pounds because its you. Someone you could cry to or laugh with about the silly things, the important things, and everything in between. Someone who even if they hurt you accidentally with their jokes or comments, you know loves you regardless and never truly would want to cause you pain (emotional or otherwise). Someone you can trust to love you back.
Having trust in someone is probably the #1 most difficult thing for me to do, not gonna lie. Giving them your heart and praying that they don't break it is the most vulnerable thing in the world, while simultaneously being the singlehanded most freeing thing. But I read once that fear makes people change. Personally, I'd say that fear is just a form of pain in suspension, so I think that pain makes people change. I've been in pain for far too long, and I'm ready to change. To stop analyzing every comment, and to just take it at face value; if I don't understand, ask without inferring nor accusing anything other than what is actually said. To stop looking for potential moments where a glance could be at another woman other than myself, and then decide if the glance was merely just looking around or in lust. I'm ready to stop making myself saddened and weakened. I know that it will take time, that over time I can be able to train myself to replace thoughts of worry with thoughts of bliss and contentedness. I'm ready to enjoy all the joys of the current amazing relationship that I'm in, and enjoy going to public places without that seemingly uncontrollable panicky, burning feeling of worry in my gut. Because when you meet someone you're not willing to give up on, you have to make healthy choices (such as leaving past experiences of disloyalty and infidelity in the past) that will allow your relationship to blossom without fear of abandonment, loss, or rejection - kind of like the way the roses and tulips grow in The Secret Garden. Nourishment and love is all that it takes to bring a flower, a vine, a human being back to life. And I'm ready to live a full life free of worry, jealousy or fear once again, the way I used to just a few years back. Like a garden, you can't choke love and expect it to thrive. It must mature naturally. You can make promises about the future but you never truly will know, will you? Will the two of you grow together, or apart? Will you find that as life carries on you aren't the same people you once were, and now you no longer mesh the way you once upon a time did back at the original roots of the relationship? You can hope and dream and wish and pray for something to happen, and ultimately, if it is meant to be, it will be. The future is fun to imagine about, but promises create pressure, and pressure creates fear. Fear creates pain, and pain causes people to change. That's why it's important to focus on what's happening right now, to live in the moment right now. And everything else will fall into place exactly the way that it should. <3
Additionally, The Secret Garden gave me hope that my knees will heal from their patellar tracking disorder and patellar tendonitis. I need to be determined and stay on track (pun intended) with them, and never get fed up, frustrated, or give up on myself if my tendonitis acts up on me again. I need to deal with the fact that healing my knees is more important than wearing cute shoes and just wear sneakers with my outfits (Hell-oooo, I have the rest of my life for cute heels and fancier feet !!) My mom who has been too weak from her cancer treatments to get out of bed recently found the strength tonight to walk into my room. She offered me a smile, and we listened to a really great song together on YouTube (White Lies by Max Frost; the music video is posted below!!) and get this: she even was able to dance. Not big, loud movements, but a little wiggle of the fingers here and there, a little shake of the hips. And we nodded our heads to the rhythm, and we laughed. If she can find bodily strength in her time of ailment, than surely so can I! Like mother, like daughter. This theme, of helping each other overcome illness and finding inner strength that neither of you knew you had, was prevalent in The Secret Garden.
I think it's truly an amazing thing when the book you're currently reading/just finished applies to your life in so many ways, more than you could have ever imagined. Although I will have to work on letting the past go (and therefore my worrying about infidelity, even though there's clearly no need to worry about that), I realize now that I'm worthy of being loved - unconditionally, and without any other women as a third-party, even if only for a moment - and not to settle for anything less than that, because that is how I am able to love in return. And my knees and my mother are both progressing in the right direction, even if there are a few blips in the screen here and there. And I believe these examples are all perfect portrayals of the concept from the book of "Magic".
Until next time,