Although I say this in almost literally every post (and then comment on how I bring it up in literally almost every post) but I really do love blogging… even though I don't always get the chance to write posts each day, I honestly wish I could because I feel so revitalized (think: doing yoga/meditation for 30min +). On the days when I don't blog, I feel like things are moving way. too. fast. and I wish I could just take a breath… but then again, it makes the days when I am, in fact, able to slow it down for a bit and really take some time to type out my thoughts and feelings, it makes my posts all the more meaningful to both me and you, my lovely readers!!
At 4:30PM until around 6:00PM, I spoke at a Sexism in the Classroom event and shared my personal experience to the audience. It was such a powerful, moving group discussion and it made me hopeful that together we can all work towards a better future and "be the change we wish to see in the world" (man, do I love that quote!!). I'd love to get more involved with the Women's Center on campus in the future, just because I do believe so sincerely in equal rights for all sexes, races, and other various forms of self-identity.
I also am reconsidering my decision not to study abroad… I think either Milan or Florence are calling my name, so I'll have to have a talk with the head of the Italian department and see how I can work my schedule around to fit in both my English major and studying abroad in Italy (mainly because I wound up switching my African Novels class to Intermediate Italian 1… honestly, I just realized how deeply passionate I am about the language, the culture, and the overall beauty of Italian and how saddened I would be without it in my life. Test anxiety be damned; I'll figure out some way how to manage it. I mean, right now I'm doing a pretty decent job at handling the stress, so I'm sure next year will be no different!)
In the past two days, two friendships I really valued (one from high school, one with my music theory tutor from last year) resurfaced back into my life. Both fizzled out due to misunderstandings from both parties, and unclear communication. What I've learned a lot is that all the little things left unsaid because we fear vulnerability of the self can ruin otherwise fruitful friendships. However, taking a step back from a friend for months can make you really appreciate when he or she comes back into your life.
My whole life, I have been told that I have a "sparkling personality" and that I'm "whip-smart", but the one thing I always craved was beauty. My hair, my nose, my skin color, my eyelids, my eyelashes, my tummy, my thighs, my back, my butt, my breasts, my neck, my skin texture, my ankles, my feet, my fingers, my hands, my forehead, my eyebrows, my chin, MY WEIGHT, my arms, my pubic hair, my leg hair….. literally every part of me has been criticized or teased or questioned or made fun of at least once in my life. It got to me, it really did. You can't really help what you're born to look like, unless you work out, get surgery, have an accident, wear makeup, get your hair curled or straightened, etc. But I realized that in order to be truly beautiful, you have to radiate beauty outward. And how do you do that, you ask? You must be truly happy. You must have inner peace that, as author Roald Dahl once said, "If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
When you begin to love your life, the things that you do are things that you are proud of and in love with, you begin to love yourself. You can't love anybody else in the right way without also loving yourself in the right way. For example, a friend of mine is going through this: if she always doubts herself, she's always going to doubt the person she's in love with. College is the time to explore, to learn, to make voyages both of the internal and external sort, and to figure out what your place in the world is and how you're going to leave it a better place than the way you found it. Nobody can take away all of your sunshine because you've given too much, dispersed it to the wind and to the people and into each and every action that you do (lolz, flushing the toilet even.)...